Darn those emotions

Wow.  My insides are such a jumbled mess of mixed emotions.  The worst part is I got my ego bruised.  Stupid ego.  Life would be so much simpler if we just didn't have to contend with ego.

I delivered my paintings to the gallery today.  They were excited and gave me good feedback.  In that matter my ego was happy.  Then I decided to ask for feedback on the proposal I had sent in this last summer when they had an open call.  She pulled out her notes; there wasn't anything horrible about my skill or the quality.  What kept me out of the running was exactly what I was talking about last week, about the artist statement and hoity toity b.s.  My work didn't make a strong enough statement.  Basically they were just pretty pictures.

Well, isn't that what I said I wanted????  But that ego thing.  Damn.  So on the one hand I am relieved that I got the work turned in on time.  I'm happy that the gallery folks responded favorably to my work.  In a sense I'm relieved to find out from someone else that a gallery really isn't the right market for me.  That takes pressure off and I can focus my attention on other markets.  The work I just took over fits, because this is a holiday show whose purpose if more to get people to buy presents than it is on pondering some abstract, philosophical artistic notion.

Still I feel rejected.  Being recognized by a gallery is an acknowledgment of your status as an artist.  I think it links back to what Karen at sew and sow life was saying the other day about the line between art and craft.  It seems to me that there is an elitist status given to "art", that again it has to be making a statement.  That's what "they" say, not me.  So if I'm just making pretty pictures to decorate someone's house, maybe that's just craft.  And craft is given a less-than status as compared to art.

I believe my reaction is also rooted in old messages I've been given throughout my life, regarding my value and the value of my contribution.  In order to have value I'm supposed to be successful in the eyes of society.  It's so hard to let go of old recordings playing in my head.  I know that what I do is valuable, whether I'm making dinner or painting a picture.  DH values what I do.  My friends do.  So why do I keep lisening to the tape?

The hodgepodge of yarn up top is my next/current project.  I can't really tell you what it is, because it's for sort of a secret fundraiser.  I'll post pictures of the whole thing probably Monday.  In the meantime, I want to say thanks to all of the AEDM artists who have been stopping by my blog and leaving such lovely comments - and stroking my fragile ego!  It's been wonderful reading the other blogs, seeing the beautiful ART that everyone is making, and realizing that I'm not alone in this experience that is art making.